SCENES

SITCOM: Bad Car (skewed certainty)

INT. STANLEY'S APARTMENT – EVENING

Parchman has just come in.

PARCHMAN

Stanley, lend me your car.

STANLEY

What happened to yours?

PARCHMAN

It's indisposed.

STANLEY

It's got a headache?

PARCHMAN

Sure. That works.

STANLEY

How does a car get a headache?

PARCHMAN

Say you walked into a lamp post – you'd get a headache, right?

STANLEY

It would hurt, yes.

PARCHMAN

There you are.

STANLEY

Where am I?

PARCHMAN

My car hit a lamppost.

STANLEY

On its own?

PARCHMAN

Well, yeah. You don't think I'd do something that dumb, do you?

That would be crazy.

STANLEY

Wouldn't it just? So where were you at the time?

PARCHMAN

Me? I was just sitting there.

STANLEY

Sitting where?

PARCHMAN

Where do you think, Stanley? In my car of course.

STANLEY

And what were you doing?

PARCHMAN

Answering an email.

STANLEY

While you were driving?

PARCHMAN

That's the point, Stanley. I wasn't driving.

STANLEY

You weren't?

PARCHMAN

To be driving, you have to have your hands on the wheel.

STANLEY

They recommend that, yes.

PARCHMAN

But you need both hands to answer your email.

STANLEY

Couldn't this email wait?

PARCHMAN

Not this one, Stanley. It told me I won a million dollars.

STANLEY

Oh. Well, in that case...

PARCHMAN

Only before I could send them the password to my bank account, my car went into the lamppost.

STANLEY

Bad car. Bad, bad car.

PARCHMAN

Well, exactly. It's not like I was steering, right? It did it on its own.

STANLEY

And now you want to borrow mine?

PARCHMAN

That's right.

STANLEY

Fine. I'll lend it to you.

PARCHMAN

Great. When?

STANLEY

Right after you collect that million dollars.