Anthony!

Don't turn around. Just don't OK?

Mom left you money, right? To order pizza? Don't lie.

Good. 'Cause you have to go buy me something.

Oh my god, I hope I didn't ruin my jeans. That happened to Maureen, her first time. She ruined two pairs of jeans. In one day.

Come on. The drugstore's right down the block. It's not like you'll even have to ask. They're right there on the aisle. The girl's aisle. Or is it the woman's? This is supposed to make me a woman, isn't it?

Right now it's just making me sticky.

Anyway, you'll see the box. It'll have some picture of a girl with a huge smile, like she's having the time of her life. As if... And it'll say all this stuff about “protection”, “feeling fresh”, etc.

Oh for the love of... Tampons, you moron. I need you to get me tampons. Didn't they teach you anything in that abstinence class? Oh I'm sorry – sex ed. You know how a long time ago there was a flood that washed away the known world? Well I just had a flood of my own and it may not be the end of the world, but it's the end of my life as I know it. Which may not be such a bad thing, but if you don't mind I'd rather not be spreading the news across the Southern Hemisphere.

So get going.

Now?