If you're watching this on the evening news, the first thing I want you to know is, I didn't do this to get to Heaven. Least of all a Heaven filled with virgins.

I've been with a virgin or two, and let me tell you: not a good time.

Another thing I want to make clear is, I wasn't born poor. No way was I one of the oppressed. In fact, I was a spoiled little....

Oops. Never mind. Got to keep this media-friendly, you know?

Let's put it this way: I lived to party. Red ropes gave way at my step. Skinny blonde heiresses did things with me in back rooms... Well, the kind of things skinny blonde heiresses do on video these days.

Ever think about that? That that's what you've come to? Watching the upper crust go down, and calling that entertainment? Hell, I never thought about it. Not for the longest time. Life was good. I'd been born on the right side of the curve.

Then one day - I was coming off a high, to tell you the truth - I saw this kid in the news. He looked exactly like me. Except he, he was dirt poor. Didn't have a cent. But he'd just won some kind of scholarship. And he looked proud. Like he'd really accomplished something. Like he'd finally got his grip on that first rung. And that was something I'd never been. Proud. Proud of improving on Nature, on whatever blind luck had made me.

That started me on a downward slide. Doors closed, lights out. Tv blaring day and night. Not a party in sight. And the lower I sank, the more I wondered: what could I do that would make a difference? What could I do that would show the world how little all that meant to me now?: getting into the best clubs, being seen with the best crowd?

Here's where it helped to be watching the news. You see this kind of thing all the time right? But in some distant dusty land. In one of those places where disaster is standard fare.

Not in the safest, most glamorous places in a great city, where pampered people go to play.

After that, it was a no-brainer. God knows I had the money to buy what I needed. Legally or otherwise.

So tonight, I'm going out again. Won't they be glad to see me after so long? The red ropes will click open, and I'll prance right past the crowd, the crowd of nobodies kept waiting outside.

Lucky for them. Because tonight? Tonight, I'm going clubbing, for the very last time.